Are you ready for a TOD?
by Tune4Toons
Summary: Gift!fic to The Element Commander. — No.


I can't believe you lasted long enough to reach this first line. I didn't even last long enough to write it.

So I hired an author to do it for me, and there she is sitting in front of me.

Hi, I'm Nana, but you already know that, right?

…Right?

So they told me I'm supposed to be telling you a story, and let me tell you I had the perfect one. Goes like:

"This is a story about the death of a man name Vill."

Or the story that got rejected because death is not kid friendly.

Hah. Ha ha. Don't make me laugh. Have you seen our games? You expect little kids to play with blue and pink sprites, and not expect them to turn out trippy when they grow up? Case point: my brother and I became ice climbers by hopping up mountains and collecting eggplants since that's so believable, yippie kai yay and all that shit.

The kicker: if you were to try and hop on a real mountain, good luck when you slip and get an ice spike stuck between your legs. Yeah, folks. It's not pretty. That's why I'm glad to be a girl because at least it'll fit nicely. Guys, even with harnesses on, I'd recommend protecting those family jewels if you know what I mean.

So in efforts to scramble together a last minute story, I present to you a TOD:

Total Obsolete Demolition of everything you ever believed in; my brother and I were hired just for you—a TOD to ruin all your dreams.

Let me start with this: I hear it's someone's birthday today? Well congratulations, buddy! You're one year closer to dying! Yay!

(I figured a side note here would be appropriate because I should warn you to never use that line on an old person. It's not cool, man. Don't do it.)

No one paid me to do this, which I find totally unfair, but that means I have to give you all the hoo hahs about why I was forced into this. Fiction is fiction. An imaginary character gets paid with imaginary money because all you're doing is reading words off a screen and that doesn't generate any revenue to us.

So that's why Popo was hired. He could live off of nothing. The only reason why I'm here is because the author couldn't find a better person to write—or I guess tell—this story. Besides, he can't do anything by himself without me.

Why else do the Ice Climbers come in pairs? It's just like your pants—it's just how it goes.

And we're not OC nor OOC. We're totally IC, got it?

* * *

Nana said it was my turn to do some work, so hi. I'm Popo. I'm not very good at this, but at least the author encouraged me to try my best. I can't believe you're writing this all down so fast. I can't even write like that. So I'm supposed to be telling a short birthday story. Tell me if I'm doing a good job on it because the author promised she'd root for me to make it on the next SSB if I do well.

Yesterday, our mom was telling Nana and I about how she met dad when she was seventeen, and how she was glad Nana hadn't met her future husband yet. I roll my eyes, yawn. Accidentally said, "If you already did meet your future husband, let's hope he's not gay."

That night, she hit me with her hammer so hard my head's bruises have bruises.

It's not that I don't like gay people; they're nice. People keep saying Marth and Ike might be secretly gay and they're nice, but if people use the colour blue as a signal for gayness, does that mean a third of SSB might be gay too? I may like blue, but that's because I'd rather not wear Nana's pink parka instead.

The day before that, Nana and I were supposed to prepare a birthday card for today, and Ness wanted us to put his name on it. We told him he needed to bring a gift, so he gave to us fifty bucks:

buck buck buck buck buck buck buck buck buck buck  
buck buck buck buck buck buck buck buck buck buck  
buck buck buck buck buck buck buck buck buck buck  
buck buck buck buck buck buck buck buck buck buck

In the end, we had to throw the card away, and Nana smacked him with a hammer. She called him an asshat too, but I'm not allowed to say bad words like she did.

The author really wanted us to do something for today though; she wouldn't stop bugging us about it. "I know this is last minute," she said, "but if you do this for me, not only will I pray you get on the next SSB game, I will also feature you in my next story! People don't write about you guys enough!"

Are we that bad compared to everyone? To the point where the nice author lady was gonna give us a story feature as a reward? Nana got really angry, so she decided to tell me to add this sticker to the story:

.,.,.,.,.,.,.,., ,.. /´ /)

.,.,.,.,.,., ,.,./.,../

.,.,.,.,.,., ../¯ ../

.,.,.,.,.,., ./.,. ./ /

.,.,.,.../´¯/' ...'/´¯•¸

.,.,.,./'/.,./.,. ./.,. .,./¨¯\

...('(...´(... .,.,.,. /'.,.')

.,.,.,\.,.,.,.,., .,.,. ..\/.,./

.,.,.,.''...\... .,.,. . .•´

.,.,.,.,.\.,.,. .,.,. ..(

.,.,.,.,.,\.,.,. .,.,. ...\

She said that was just for you, author lady. Plus a winky face.

So after coming up with nothing, we decided to go to a special congress meeting type thingy with Master Hand and after eight hours of talking, he told us this:

"If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?"

Then he told us never to come to congress again and to just improvise a birthday story instead.

Yeah, I hoped you liked it! That's the end of the story today! This wasn't meant to be too long; Nana said she'd take me to an ice cream place soon. The author lady also wanted to say a few words, but I heard some people don't like that when other people are still talking in the story, so she decided to add a little note on the bottom.

Thank you for writing this out for us, lady! Hope this was a good present for that birthday person. Have a nice one!

* * *

…

Oh, hey, look at that. It's my turn again.

Yeah, this is Nana; I'm back. While Popo was doing his thing, I noticed a little message pop up in our inbox.

_A new review has been posted to your story._

_Story: Are you ready for a TOD?  
Chapter: 1. No._

_From: Guest  
-_

_:U takin TODs? i hav a cople_

_Truth_

_Nana: do u hav a crush on TL_

_Dare_

_Popo: i dare u to jump off a clif __and die_

Now one, I think you got the wrong station, buddy. That kind of TOD doesn't mean truth or dare: it means torture or die. Get your facts straight.

Two, this is Total Obsolete Demolition. I will TOD all up in your face if you get us mixed up again. Get your facts straight.

Three, don't you know that if you jump a cliff and die, you'll just respawn in a floating platform with zero percent damage and a chance to kick your opponents' asses again? Plus we can put you under a restraining order for threatening little kids over the internet, geez.

Lesson of the day:

Remember, kids. Say no to drugs.

And we're not OC nor OOC. We're totally IC, got it?

Good. Get your facts straight next time.

…

And no, I don't have a crush on TL.

* * *

_Tune4Toons: What did I just do? Happy birthday, EC! I am so sorry you had to go through that. At least you know why I don't write comedy often haha. Wow, been a while since I dabbled back in SSB, so this is a sort of minor return I guess? Haha then back to SnK I go after at least giving a certain guy a Happy Birthday again. ;) Hope you liked it though, plus you other unfortunate readers as well. XD AND EXCUSE MY HORRIBLE TONGUE FOR SAYING BAD WORDS. _

_I ALSO DISCLAIM EVERYTHING IN THIS STORY. I ONLY WROTE IT, NOT ENDORSED IT._

_Remember, kids. Say no to drugs._

_And the Ice Climbers aren't OC nor OOC. They're totally IC, got it?_


End file.
